Meaning of Recluse

Foreward:  I have been trying to describe the meaning behind “Recluse.”  What it means to me is… “It is what it is.  I am what I am.  And I’m okay with that.”  It means acceptance.  It means forgiveness of oneself.   It means coming out of my cave just enough to acknowledge the world and play my part in it.

Below, I share the post that started it all for me.

*

There is something to say about living in a world in which you do not belong.

It’s loud.
It’s busy.
It’s selfish.
It’s materialistic.
It’s engrossed.
It’s hateful.
It’s vulgar.
It’s spiteful.
​It’s contradicting.
It’s ignorant.
It’s simply disappointing.

I have a very difficult time being a part of this world.  Which is why I have found myself here. Naked, alone, and burrowed deeply beneath 25 years worth of weight and desolation.

I’m not sure that I was born in this hole. I’m not sure that I was born a recluse.

Was it a factor of nature? Was it a factor of nurture?  It is a long list of things.  Those things that pile up on top of our shoulders, then in our arms, then in our hearts.  Those things that we own- that we carry with us wherever we go.

At some point I must have looked at the world and felt that it was much safer and warmer down here in my burrow.

While it does seem to be safer in here, it is not living.

I look around at people and see light in their eyes. I see people smile and love and laugh.  I see people fall to their knees with such heart ache and pain. And I feel nothing.

I live in this grey area. It’s not light enough to expose myself. It’s not dark enough to be lost.. or even sleep. It’s like I’m in Plato’s cave. I can hear people outside. I can see their shadows. But they are only just that. Or maybe I am.

For the past ten years I have prayed that I would wake up one day and just be normal. Or that this life was just a big joke or a dream that I would just wake up from.  But that day never came and I will never wake up.

I have tried to be something that I’m not. I’m so tired of feeling out of place.  I’m tired of the constant voice inside my head that analyzes every word and every move that I make.  I’m tired of punching in the wind.  I’m tired of standing at the doorway of this cave, watching the world pass me by.

There is no happy ending. I don’t leave the cave and learn to be a part of life. It is what it is. I am what I am.

Instead of worrying about every person in my life and instead of ignoring my own needs, well-being, and mental health.. I am going to learn to be okay with who I am.  I am going to care for myself.  I am going to eventually love myself.


4 thoughts on “Meaning of Recluse

    1. It really helps me to know that other people can relate to how I’m feeling. That’s pretty selfish, but it’s nice to know we are not totally alone in our journey. So I really appreciate you sharing with me, thank you! I encourage you to find one thing that you can do this week that feels like “living” to you. I will do the same!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. i’ll take you up on that. i will be a challenge. i’ve fallen far and fast recently. i have the emotional resilience of a blade of grass being marched over by an army of 100,000.

        Like

      2. That is very descriptive! I’m right there with you, my friend. I’m not sure what I will do this week that will make me feel like I’m living, but I will update you as soon as I figure it out!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s