Foreward: I have been trying to describe the meaning behind “Recluse.” What it means to me is… “It is what it is. I am what I am. And I’m okay with that.” It means acceptance. It means forgiveness of oneself. It means coming out of my cave just enough to acknowledge the world and play my part in it.
Below, I share the post that started it all for me.
There is something to say about living in a world in which you do not belong.
It’s simply disappointing.
I have a very difficult time being a part of this world. Which is why I have found myself here. Naked, alone, and burrowed deeply beneath 25 years worth of weight and desolation.
I’m not sure that I was born in this hole. I’m not sure that I was born a recluse.
Was it a factor of nature? Was it a factor of nurture? It is a long list of things. Those things that pile up on top of our shoulders, then in our arms, then in our hearts. Those things that we own- that we carry with us wherever we go.
At some point I must have looked at the world and felt that it was much safer and warmer down here in my burrow.
While it does seem to be safer in here, it is not living.
I look around at people and see light in their eyes. I see people smile and love and laugh. I see people fall to their knees with such heart ache and pain. And I feel nothing.
I live in this grey area. It’s not light enough to expose myself. It’s not dark enough to be lost.. or even sleep. It’s like I’m in Plato’s cave. I can hear people outside. I can see their shadows. But they are only just that. Or maybe I am.
For the past ten years I have prayed that I would wake up one day and just be normal. Or that this life was just a big joke or a dream that I would just wake up from. But that day never came and I will never wake up.
I have tried to be something that I’m not. I’m so tired of feeling out of place. I’m tired of the constant voice inside my head that analyzes every word and every move that I make. I’m tired of punching in the wind. I’m tired of standing at the doorway of this cave, watching the world pass me by.
There is no happy ending. I don’t leave the cave and learn to be a part of life. It is what it is. I am what I am.
Instead of worrying about every person in my life and instead of ignoring my own needs, well-being, and mental health.. I am going to learn to be okay with who I am. I am going to care for myself. I am going to eventually love myself.